1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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