Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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