I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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