What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
