Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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