just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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