so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
