Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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