Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
