At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
