I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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