My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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