Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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