mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
