my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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