Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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