shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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