she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
