I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
