Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
