Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I need moral support for this bender
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
