Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
