great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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