o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
