I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
