lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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