Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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