Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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