Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I touched a dick in church today
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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