i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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