I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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