got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize