dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
