my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
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