Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
