so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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