so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
