You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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