I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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