remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
