He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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