Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
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I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
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He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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