i may or may not be watching the land before time
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
