so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
