Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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