Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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