so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
