I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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