my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
