Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
