I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
