She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
