I just cut my nipple shaving
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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