I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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