Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The best revenge is premature balding
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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